Due to increasing
product liability litigation, beer
accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be
immediately on all beer containers:
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to they things like thish.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
* WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
(explained in terms of two cows)
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and sells you the milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
LAWYERISM: You see two cows and note that the milk from same has not been labeled "Contains lactose." You find 20 lactose-intolerant people, start a class action suit against the owner of the cows, the regional dairy cooperative, the distributor and the grocery store chain. You settle out of court for $1,000,000. Lactose intolerant milk drinkers get 10 cents each. You get $333,333.00 You act surprised when the owner goes berserk, shoots the cows and moves to Mexico. You feign astonishment when the dairy co-op goes out of business. Congress passes a law making your job easier the next time.
Dear Valued Employee:
Our records indicate that you have not used any of your allocated vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year. One additional week is granted for every additional 5 years of service. In lieu of time off, payment may be made at your current base salary level.
Please either take your currently accrued: 9,400 days off work, or notify our office and your next following pay period after processing will reflect payment of: $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. Applicable withholding taxes will be withheld from the above amount.
Automated Payroll Processing
This little boy goes to his Dad & asks, "What is politics?"
"Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny we'll consider her the Working class, & your baby brother. we'll call him the future. Now, think about that & see if that makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper, so the little boy goes to his parents room & finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room, finding the door locked. He peeks in the keyhole & sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up & goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.
The father says, Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.
The little boy replies, "Well while Capitalism is screwing the Working class, the government is sound asleep. The people are being ignored & the future is in deep shit.
Postulates of Money & Knowledge
The statement that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people." Is now a theorem that can be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer
Power = Work / Time
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money,
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
less you know, the more you make.
Ignorance really pays......
Proverbs for the Year 2000
Humor: Proverbs for the Year 2000
1. Home is where
you hang your @.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. There's no place like http://www.home.com
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Virtual reality is its own reward.
19. Modulation in all things.
20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
Teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Saved from Choking
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
In Baltimore, in the mid 1800's there was a man who sold corpses to the hospital for research. He stored the cadavers in cheap whiskey to ferment them before turning them over to the researchers. He then sold the whiskey to the medical students... thus the term "rot gut."
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia, 4,000 years ago, that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the honeymoon."
Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the Navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
JUST GOT CHECKED
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
YOUR LOVING HUSBAND
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE
How do crazy people
go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy
Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled
rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the fish
say when he hit a concrete wall?
What do Eskimos get
from sitting on the ice too long?
What do prisoners
use to call each other?
What do the letters
D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a
boomerang that doesn't work?
What do you call
cheese that isn't yours?
What do you call
What do you call
four bull fighters in quicksand?
What do you get
from a pampered cow?
What do you get
when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
What do you get
when you cross an elephant and
a skin doctor?
What has four legs,
is big, green, fuzzy, and if
it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What kind of coffee
was served on the Titanic?
. . . and what kind
What lies at the
bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Where do you find a
no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Why are there so
many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers
walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas
have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
"We repair what your husband Fixed."
On the trucks of a
local plumbing company:
"Don't sleep with a drip call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
At a tire shop in
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
At A Laundry Shop:
"How about we refund your money, send
you a new one at no charge, close the store
and have the manager shot. Would that be
At a Towing
"We don't charge an arm and a leg.
We wants tows."
Billboard on the
side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road an stop reading
On an Electricians
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking
"If we see smoking we will assume you
are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room
"Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrists
"If you don't see what your looking for you've
come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's
"We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Butchers
"Let me meat your needs."
On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
At a car Dealership
"The best way to get back on your feet
miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
On a desk in a
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the
2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarians
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! "
At the Electric
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't you will be."
On the door of a
"Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on
in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard
of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counselors
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is
"How To Install Software-A 12-Step Program"
by Dave Barry
from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace"
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:
2386 PROCESSOR OR
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms & conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light, ...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:
"The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
| YES | | SURE |
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there.
Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
program cannot think
of anything else to do to your computer
and has grown bored. You may now
attempt to run your software.
If you experience
any problems, electrical
shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath,
nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites,
you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the new address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen the clothes since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want!'
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything that you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The man said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!'
Teaching Math in
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?
Teaching Math in
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in
Company outsources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in
A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in
A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?
This was on the Jay Leno show on 9-7-99. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!]
She said it was mid-winter .... snowing and quite cold ....and the guy had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she should try to hold it, which she did for awhile.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her ski pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her bottom rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the other side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor, she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her behind off and needed some assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. Rescue accomplished, they returned to the car, although for the remainder of the trip home there wasn't much conversation and apparently, despite their "intimate encounter", the two did not see one another again. As for the Tonight show...she took the prize hands down ....or perhaps that should be "pants down".
The 5 Toughest Questions
The five toughest Female Questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best
response to this question was offered by Al
who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I
be talking to you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
* Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you
have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed!
The ATM Experience
Difference between males and females at the Drive Through ATM
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
The Bank Customer
Dear Valued Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account in the amount of $50, a penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that, whereas, I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an "Application For Contact Status," which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me; 2. To query a missing repayment; 3. To make a general complaint or inquiry; 4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received; 5. To transfer the call to my bed room in case I am still sleeping; Extension of bed room to be communicated at the time the call is received; 6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature; Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received; 7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone, in the event I am not at home; 8. To leave a message on my computer; To leave a message, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact; 9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for!"
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client,
THE BEER PRAYER
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day
our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is The
The bitter and The lager.
The Beer Test
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
The Creation -- as it relates to Wisconsin
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there, I have placed a continent of white people and over there is A continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Wisconsin, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite shoreline along the Great Lakes.
The people from Wisconsin are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working, and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable football team who will be admired and feared by all who come across them.
"Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them in Illinois and Minnesota!?!"
The Difference Between Men & Women
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he Wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and ................
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh gosh, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes,,,,."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
"To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American."
"The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down."
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing."
"Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out."
Richard M. Nixon:
"The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens."
"Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!"
"To die. In the rain."
Martin Luther King,
"I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question."
"In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us."
"It is the nature of chickens to cross the road."
"It was an historical inevitability."
"This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it."
Captain James T.
"To boldly go where no chicken has gone before."
"You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?"
"The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was."
"The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity."
"I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system."
"Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?"
"I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York."
"You mean I missed one?"
The Lone Ranger rides again
Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do... Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,
"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...
..."Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
The Moral of Uncle Bob
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob." "Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't screw around with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
In the beginning,
there was The Plan.
-And then came The Assumptions.
-And The Assumptions were without form.
-And The Plan was without substance.
-And darkness was upon the face of The Workers.
-And The Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying "This is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
-And The Workers went unto their Supervisors and said "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
-And The Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it."
-And The Managers went unto their Directors, saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
-And The Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
-And The Directors went unto The Vice Presidents, saying "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
-And The Vice Presidents went to The President, saying "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
-And The President looked upon The Plan and saw that it was good.
-And The Plan became Policy.
-And that, my friends, is how shit happens.
The Preacher's Fundraiser
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that the preacher settled on a donkey instead. The preacher figured, since he bought the animal, he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did quite well and came in third place. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline:
Preacher Shows Ass
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time the animal won first place. The paper said:
Preacher's Ass Out In Front
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline:
Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass
This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nun in a local convent. The next day, the headlines read:
Nun Has Best Ass In Town
The Bishop fainted. When he came around, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. The nun searched, finally finding a farmer willing to buy the animal for ten dollars. The paper stated:
Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks!
They buried the Bishop the next day
The Three Wise Women
You know what would
have happened if there
had been three wise WOMEN
instead of three wise MEN, don't you?
They would have
asked for directions,
arrived on time, helped deliver the
Baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole
and given practical gifts.
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for a round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking and after about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton on the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking, as Saddam falls about laughing.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed, and this time a big boot comes out a kicks Clinton in the shin. Again, Saddam laughs,and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the balls, he's finally had enough.
"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.
They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton sniggers.
A few seconds later, he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter.
When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Sod this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.