SIGNS YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90's

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a Web page.

Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.

Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

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Top ten signs you're at a NASCAR fan's funeral

10. Casket features an exact replica of the GM goodwrench paint scheme.
9. The deceased is referred to as being "out of provisionals."
8. Heart stirring eulogy delivered by Dr. Jerry Punch.
7. "Amazing Grace" performed by nine year old girl from Bristol, Tenn.
6. Only the first 43 cars are allowed in the procession.
5. Hearse referred to as the pace car.
4. Procession weaves back and forth to keep heat in the tires.
3. Cars caught speeding leaving the church have to go to the back of the procession.
2. First time morners have an orange strip on the trunk of their cars.
1. No coolers over 14ins. allowed in the chapel.

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Translating Men's Statements

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated:* I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.* IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated:* "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Translated:* "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated:* "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated:* "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated:* "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST.* I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

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Two Girls

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing............
 
 
 

Get ready, it's good................
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

...
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

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What women want

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.

She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises.. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament: during the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story? The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb ... Underneath it all, she's still a witch!

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Why Helicopters are Better than Women
--------------------
1. A helicopter will kill you quickly . . . a woman takes her time.

2. Helicopters can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3. A helicopter does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'

4. A helicopter does not object to a preflight inspection.

5. Helicopters come with manuals.

6. Helicopters have strict weight and balance limits.

7. You can fly a helicopter any time of the month.

8. Helicopters don't come with in-laws.

9. Helicopters don't whine unless something is really wrong.

10. Helicopters don't care about how many other helicopters you have flown.

11. When flying, you and your helicopter both arrive at the same time.

12. Helicopters don't mind if you look at other helicopters, or if you buy helicopter magazines.

13. It's OK to use tie-downs on your helicopter.

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You might be a Wisconsinite if...

You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
 - Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
 - Snow tires come standard on all your cars.
 - You refer to the Packers as "we."
 - At least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm.
 - You can make sense out of the words upnort and Trivers.
 - You have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
 - You can identify a Michigan accent.
 - You know what "cow-tipping" is.
 - You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike.
 - "Down South" to you means Chicago.
 - Traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee.
 - The "Big Three" means Miller, Old Milwaukee & PBR.
 - A brat is something you eat.
 - You were offended by the movie "Fargo."
 - You know that Eau Claire is not something you eat.
 - You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.
 - You consider Madison "exotic."
 - You got a passport to go to Minnesota.
 - Your idea of foreign culture is listening to Da Yoopers.
 - You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
 - You've seen a hodag.
 - You used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday.
 - You know that Gotham is a real city.
 - You can actually pronounce and spell Oconomowoc.
 - You know what a bubbler is.
 - The snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do.
 - Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your bluespruce.
 - You think there should be a "FIB go home" bumper sticker on every car north of Madison.
 - Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
 - A Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer.
 - You go out for fish fry on every Friday.
 - You go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing shorts.
 - Bernie Brewer is your idol because he gets to dive in a giant beer mug.
 - Your idea of the seasons is winter, spring and the 4th of July.
 - You know how to polka.
 - Your idea of diversity is having black, white, and brown cows.
 - You think that Lutheran and Catholics ARE the major religions.
 - You drink "soda" and refer to your dad as "pop."
 - Formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap.
 - You tried to tap the "World's Largest Six Pack."
 - You were unaware there is a legal drinking age.
 - You have to go to Florida to get a tan in August.
 - You have caught a fish in Lake Michigan and it glowed in the dark.
 - You define "swimming season" as Labor Day weekend.
 - Your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
 - You know where the city of Waunakee is AND can pronounce it.
 - You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, and Poland all in one afternoon.
 - You have more fishing poles than teeth.
 - You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend.
 -
=======

Y0K Problem

Translated from latin scroll dated 2BC

Dear Cassius:

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.

The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. Its an ill wind ......

As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.

I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.

Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.

If you have any ideas, please let me know,

Plutonius

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Y2K Backup System

While we believe we will be fully Y2K compliant by January 1, 2000, and most of our subsidiary units and contractors claim they will also be fully compliant, we obviously need to make some preparations in case unexpected challenges impair our ability to meet the needs of our customers.

Enclosed with this memo is a "Y2K Backup System" device designed to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations failure, or operational delay. This device is the company's Primary Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (P.E.N.C.I.L.). This device has been field tested extensively, including certification testing, as well as volume and stress testing. Properly maintained, the device meets all the requirements for coding and data input. Prior to use, the (P.E.N.C.I.L.) will require preparation and testing. Tools and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding device; and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes).

Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or grind the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance. The dark core area must be exposed to properly function. (Left-handed employees should read this sentence backwards, and then go to your supervisor for assistance.)

Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. Take the backup device, place the sharpened point against the paper, and pull it across the paper. If properly done, this will input a single line.

CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or damage the data reception device. If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or the paper are damaged, go back to the preparation instructions above.

Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by the operator. Placing the device against the computer page forming symbols as closely resembling the computer lettering system you normally use. At the completion of each of the simulated letters, lift the device off the page, move it slightly to the right, replace it against the page, and form the next symbol. This may appear tedious, and somewhat redundant, but, with practice, you should be able to increase your speed and accuracy. The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual deletion device. The device is located on the reverse end of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Error deletions operate similarly to the "backspace" key on your computer. Simply place the device against the erroneous data, and pull it backwards over the letters. This should remove the error, and enable you to resume data entries.

CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device. Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable deletion, and may require re-initialization of action as above. This device is designed with user maintenance in mind. However, if technical support is required, you can still call your local computer desk supervisor at (800)-YOU-DUMMY.
=======

Only in America

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

4. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...

7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

9. Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

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Bill of NO Rights

The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal, bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
=======

Easter Egg - Palm Pilot

This was printed in the June 27 issue of _PC Magazine_, Page 99, User to User section:

Find the Palm Taxi

Sometimes programmers hide surprises, called Easter Eggs, in applications. You can display such Eggs only if you know an unlikely combination of keystrokes. The word is out that there's a cute Easter Egg in Palm devices - a graphic of a small taxi that chugs across the screen, leaving a trail of exhaust clouds.

To find the animated taxi, follow these instructions exactly: From the main menu, tap on the Preferences application and then tap the General tab. Just above the silk-screen Calculator button, draw a small circle counterclockwise until a small Easter Egg icon appears just above the calculator button. Exit Preferences and open any application. While you hold down the Page Down scroll button, draw a line from the middle of the Graffiti input area between the Applications and Menu silk-screen buttons all the way to the left edge of the screen. You should see a small taxi puffing across the screen. As long as you don't close the Easter Egg icon, you can display the taxi repeatedly. -BB

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Airline Terminology

PASSENGER - A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.

PRE-BOARD - Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.

VOLUNTARY OVERSALE - A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight.

NO-RECORD - Any passenger booked through a travel agency.

NON-REVENUE POSITION - Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.

GROUP - A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.

SIGN - An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.

POSITION CLOSED - This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form line here."

BAGGAGE CLAIM - The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area."

CARRY ON BAG - An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs.

FLIGHT SCHEDULE - An entertaining work of paperback fiction.

ON-TIME - An obscure term, meaning unknown.

FOG - A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL - A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.

TICKET AGENT - A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. In later life they start carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves.

=======

Important Recall Notice

The maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed, Subsequential Internal Non-Morality,' or more commonly known as S-I-N, as it is primarily symptomized by loss of moral judgment.

Some other symptoms include:

(a) Loss of direction
(b) Foul vocal emissions
(c) Amnesia of origin
(d) Lack of peace and joy
(e) Selfish, or violent behavior
(f) Depression or confusion in the mental component
(g) Fear
(h) Idolatry

The manufacturer, who is neither liable or at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service, free of charge to correct this SIN defect.

The number to call for the recall station in your area is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN by pressing R-E-P-E-N-T-A-N-C-E.

Next, download J-E-S-U-S into the heart. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, the JESUS repair will replace it with:

(a) Love
(b) Joy
(c) Peace
(d) Longsuffering
(e) Gentleness
(f) Goodness
(g) Faith
(h) Meekness
(i) Temperance

Please see operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human unit without correction, voids the manufacturer's warranty, exposing owner to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded.

For free emergency service, call on J-E-S-U-S.

DANGER: The human units not receiving this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect must not enter heaven or else heaven will be infected.

Author: The Creator.

=======

And, lo, it came to pass . . .

And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land."

And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so." And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!" said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.

=======

Exercise

After a two-year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your
balls.

=======

Union Blues

A fellow stopped at for gas and, after filling up, he paid the bill and bought soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. . .

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

Completely mystified, the fellow walks up to workers and say, "OK.. hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we're union, and we work for the state," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally, there's three of us--me, Freddie, and Tom. I dig the hole, Freddie places in the tree, and Tom here puts the dirt back. Union says that just because Freddie's out sick, that don't mean that Tom & me shouldn't work!"

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What BIBLE means

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, I know what the Bible means!

His father smiled and replied, What do you mean you _know what the Bible means?

The son replied, I do know!

Okay, said his father. So what does it mean?

That's easy, Daddy. It stands for Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.

Leave it to a child to figure out.

=======

You know you've been a dispatcher too long when . . .

You spend more on fast food than on utilities.
You answer your home phone, "Dispatch".
You answer your dispatch phone with "Hell" instead of "Hello"
The only thing that gets your adrenaline going is the walk to and from your car.
You find humor in other people's misery.
You're only happy if you have something to complain about.
You consider patience a weakness, not a virtue.
Your idea of a good night involves someone getting shot, chased or dismembered.
You have forgotten what it's like to actually eat a warm meal.
Your dog doesn't recognize you and the kids think you're just the person who drops by every now and then to bring groceries and do the laundry.
You have forgotten what sex is.
You truly believe that stupidity should be painful.
You have ever had to put the phone on hold so you could laugh hysterically.
If an officer screamed over the radio that a nuclear bomb had just detonated, you'd just ask the "20" of the mushroom cloud and assign it an eight digit case number.
Dinner consists of a 2 liter bottle of soda and whatever you can scrounge out of the vending machine.
You see nothing wrong with discussing abdominal evisceration over dinner in a public restaurant.and then wonder why all the tables around you have cleared out.
You hear a fire engine or police car go screaming past your house and you wonder not what's happening, but who is going.
You read newspaper accounts of a major incident that occurred during your shift and can point out all the incorrect information.and then laugh about it.
Family members comment about how "nice" you used to be before you started this job.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac and/or birth control over certain parts of your city.
You have no idea what a holiday is, other than it's the day when everyone gets drunk and beats up their family members.
You can carry on more than 4 conversations simultaneously.
You have a bladder capacity of a tanker truck.
You can resume a conversation with coworkers 4 hours later, in mid-sentence and everyone knows what you are talking about
You have a long-term telephonic relationship with one or more paranoid schizophrenic PTSD suffering relatives of a public official.
You have ever had to explain to a college educated, gainfully employed, tax paying property owner that: His/her child's lack of interest in vegetables was not a police matter
You inform your new teenage driver, "I will always know."
You have ever muttered the phrase: "They let him carry a GUN?"
You get impatient listening to people relate a story - you want "just the facts".
You believe that 90% of people can't look up a telephone number.
You get easily bored with happy, content people.
You have perfected the phrase "I pay taxes, too."
You can talk on the phone, listen to the radio and type requests into the computer at the same time without missing anything.
You think it's funny when a "regular client" kills himself while breaking into a business.
You can give directions to any location in your city off the top of your head.
You can relate a 10-minute story over a 2 hour time period, after many interruptions, without losing your place.
You see stress as a normal state of life.
You refuse to allow anyone to say "Have a quiet shift."
Your friends and neighbors call for legal advice.
You can give anyone the exact address of every bar in your jurisdiction.
You question the motives of anyone who makes an effort to get to know you after they learn your profession.
You know the phone number of every restaurant or business that delivers food, especially late at night.
You spell everything phonetically.
You can only tell time on a 24-hour clock.
You acknowledge your friend's and family's remarks with the time.
You tell cops or firefighters where to go without fear.

=======

George Carlin's words to live by

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice??

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

29. How is it possible to have a civil war?

30. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

32. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids?"

36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

38. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

39. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

40. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

41. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

=======

Potato

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one...a real sweet potato, whom they called "Yam." They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like "Hot Potato," and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

She said, "Not to worry, no Mr. McSpud could get me in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of me!" But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard boiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped.

She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say "Frito Lay".

Mr. and Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to Idaho P.U., that's Potato University, where the Big Potatoes come from. When she graduates, she'll really be in the Chips.

But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just a.......
 

 Are you ready for this?
 
 
 
 
 

 Are You sure?
 
 
 
 
 

 Are you sitting down?
 
 
 
 
 
 

 This is REEeeeeeeally bad!
 
 
 
 
 
 

 OK! Here it is! Remember I warned you!!!
 
 
 
 

 He's just a COMMON TATER!!!!!!!!!

=======

Did you see God?

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy:  Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY:  Yes.
TEACHER: Do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:  Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

OMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT

=======

Blonde cuts off a truck

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motions for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE. He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said Oh you think that's funny? Watch this! He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she is laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. What's so funny? the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied. Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle.

=======

In the beginning . . .

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said,"Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.

=======

The Scarlet Oppressor

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them. Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture-giver whom she sometimes referred to as "Mother," although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not, in fact, exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, and she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But Mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?" Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But, Mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But, Mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health."

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were, in fact, intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that, in a truly classless society, all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialog with the wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded toward her grandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender-role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty-free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch." The wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous - er - what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The wolf could not take any more of these specialist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate to his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax. "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self-esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any kava kava?"

"Sure," said the wolf.

"Thanks."

=======

The Wisconsin Guide to Computer Language

LOG ON:  making da vood stove hotter.
LOG OFF:  don't add vood.
MONITOR:  keep an eye on da vood stove.
MEGAHERTZ:  vhen a big log drops on your barefoot in da mornin'.
FLOPPY DISK:  vhat you get from piling too much vood.
RAM:  da hydraullic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork.
HARD DRIVE:  getting home during most of da vinter.
PROMPT:  vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season.
ENTER:  come on in!!
WINDOWS:  vhat ya close vhen it gets 10 degrees below zero.
SCREEN:  vhat is a must during mosquito season.
CHIP:  vhat ya munch during da Vikings game.
MICROCHIP:  vhat's left inda bag vhen da chips are gone.
MODEM:  vhat ya did to da hayfields last Yuly.
DOT MATRIX:  Sven Matrix's vife.
LAPTOP:  vhere da grandkids sit.
KEYBOARD:  vhere ya supposed to put da keys so da Misses can find em
SOFTWARE:     da plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE:  vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard.
MAINFRAME:  da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof.
PORT:  vhere da commercial fishin' boats dock.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY:  vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on da new fish house vhen da Misses asks about it.

=======

Sins

Jews traditionally go to the ocean (or a stream or river), pray, and then throw bread crumbs onto the water, for the fish can symbolically eat their sins. Some people have been known to ask what kind of bread crumbs should they throw:

For ordinary sins........................................White Bread
For exotic sins..........................................French Bread
For particularly dark sins...............................Pumpernickel
For complex sins.........................................Multigrain
For twisted sins.........................................Pretzels
For tasteless sins.......................................Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision...................................Waffles
For sins committed in haste..............................Matzo
For sins of chutzpah.....................................Fresh Bread
For the sin of substance abuse/marijuana.................Stoned Wheat
For the sin of substance abuse/heavy drugs...............Poppy Seed
For the sin of committing auto theft.....................Caraway
For the sin of committing arson..........................Toast
For the sin of passiveness when action is warranted......Milk Toast
For the sin of being ill-tempered/sulky..................Sourdough
For the sin of cheating customers........................Shortbread
For the sin of risking one's life unnecessarily..........Hero Bread
For the sin of excessive use of irony....................Rye Bread
For the sin of telling bad jokes.........................Corn Bread
For the sin of being money hungry........................Raw Dough
For the sin of war-mongering.............................Kaiser Rolls
For the sin of immodest dressing.........................Tarts
For the sin of causing injury or damage to others........Tortes
For the sin of promiscuity...............................Hot Buns
For the sin of promiscuity with gentiles (non-Jews)......Hot Cross Buns
For the sin of davenning (praying) off tune..............Flat Bread
For the sin of being holier than thou....................Bagels
For the sin of indecent photography......................Cheese Cake
For the sin of over-eating...............................Stuffing
For the sin of gambling..................................Fortune Cookies
For the sin of abrasiveness..............................Grits
For sins of pride........................................Puff Pastry
For the sin of cheating..................................Baked Goods w/ Nutrasweet & Olestra
For the sin of impetuousness.............................Quick Bread
For negligent slip ups...................................Banana Bread
For the sin of dropping in without warning...............Popovers
For the sin of perfectionism.............................Angel Food Cake
For the sin of being up-tight and irritable..............High-Fiber Bran Muffins

Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone. For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, an attempt will be made to have pre-packaged Tashlich Mix available in three grades (Tashlich Lite, Regular, and Industrial Strength).
 

=======

Option 7

This only takes 10 seconds...

National Discount Brokers

1.      dial 1-800-888-3999 (it's free)
2.      LISTEN to all of the options
3.      _after_ hearing #7, hit 7

Every company should have an option #7.

=======

The Frog

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said,

"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,

"I'd like a mild heart attack."

=======

SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them --- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop 650 m.p.s. in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

=======

YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM CHICAGO IF...

1) You live two miles from work and it takes an hour to drive there.

2) You thank Michael Jordan for helping people around the world to stop equating Chicago with Al Capone.

3) You drink at bars called "Bud on Tap" or "Old Style" - no names, just beer signs out front.

4) You know that "Windy City" is not a reference to the weather.

5) It's January and you see someone's kitchen chair in the street, and you know that if you put it back on the sidewalk you will be shot on sight.

6) You don't flinch when you pay the fifth toll of your 45 minute car ride on the highway.

7) You have trouble pronouncing "th" words and they come out like "dis", "dat."

8) You've played 16-inch softball.

9) You automatically slip into a dreamy nostalgic haze upon hearing the names Royko, Ditka, Jenkins, or Payton.

10) When you were walking to work last summer, you ran into a cow.

11) You've tried several times to identify the Picasso sculpture in Daley Plaza, and have decided it's just a big baboon.

12) When you read a big story in the paper about mob ties in the city government, your first reaction is "So, tell me something I don't know."

13) You think anything south of I-80 is Southern Illinois.

14) You're not sure what state Carbondale is in.

15) Sausage is pronounced "SAH - SAGE," not "SAW - SAGE."

16) You know Lincoln Towing is Satan incarnate.

17) You've paid $105 for towing, $30 for more than one "street cleaning" ticket, $58 for a city vehicle sticker, and $70 for a license plate sticker - and chalk it all up to "neighborhood taxes."

18) You pluralize grocery stores and retail chains: "I'm going to Jewels"; "I bought it at Fields"; "I couldn't find parking at Wal-Marts"

19) You recognize all the street signs and El stops in the John Cusack movie "High Fidelity."

20) You know what Steve Kerr and John Paxson have in common.

21) You're still excited about the Lower Wacker shortcut.

23) You've cursed at a cyclist, pedestrian, or in-line skater on the lakefront path. One day I am going to hit one of them!

24) You know the significance of State and Madison.

25) You don't miss Planet Hollywood.

26) You knew what a "Shawon-O-Meter" was for.

27) You can decipher a WMAQ traffic report, but your out of town passenger thinks it's just gibberish.

28) You have fond memories of radio stations with 3-letter call signs.

29) You learned your interstate highways by name and not the number.

30) Driving under an "Oasis" doesn't seem unusual to you.

31) When the visiting team hits a ball out of the park you expect to see it sail back in moments later.

32) You can finish this phrase: five eight eight, two three hundred...

33) Grocery stores are the only type of retail entity that get a definite article: "I'm going to The Jewel" or "I'll stop by The Dominick's on the way home."

34) You give driving distances in minutes or blocks, never in miles.

35) You can tell within minutes of meeting someone if they're probably a Cubs fan or a Sox fan.

=======

Men & Women

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate overnight.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

Married men live longer than single men,
but married men are more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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Lawns & God

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about ...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.